Capybaras for President!
Capybaras United is gearing up for an exciting 2008 election. Will he make history as the first capybara ever elected President? Only time will tell.
And now - (drumroll please) - here is Capybaras' platform!
Capybaras for Energy Independence
- Research: A Capybaras administration will find those energy alternatives! We'll underwrite research into alternative energy sources and encourage its adoption. Without our petrodollars, those Middle Eastern despots can't cause as much trouble.
- Tariffs and Subsidies: When Capybaras is your president, we won't put tariffs on alternative energy, and we won't subsidize car or oil companies aside from real alternative energy efforts.
- National Bikeway Administration: A vote for Capybaras is a vote for a fit and energy independent America. We'll fund a National Bikeway Administration that will make it easy for people to commute by bike.
- Port Security: With Capybaras as your president, we will check every cargo container before it's shipped. The $120 million cost is chump change that should have been spent years ago.
- Dire Poverty: capybaras need to look out for each other. With just 1% of our GNP to fund self-help programs like microcredit and literacy that help the poorest of the poor, we'll save millions of lives, make friends, and make the world safer!
- Genocide: Capybaras says to heck with national sovereignty for genocidal regimes. We need a rapid-reaction military force that will intervene to prevent genocide, without being held hostage to the whims of China or Russia. Through the UN or a new international organization, or even a charity that hires paramilitary contractors, let's just make it happen! Hey, it's a tax deduction.
- Silent Treatment: Capybaras will talk with anyone. Even evil dictators who we hate. Capybaras knows that miscommunication causes disaster and backs people into a corner.
- Pay them off: Capybaras appreciates how far that filthy lucre goes behind the former iron curtain. When Capybaras is president, he'll try to pay off China and Russia to do our foreign policy bidding so they'll stop funding despots.
- Capybaras says, small classes for everyone! How small? If you can see them, they're still too big.
- Capybaras, an International Capybara of Mystery, says "Oh, Behave!" During his presidency, disruptive kids will be booted out of the classroom (he has hoofs, after all) and shunted into their own classrooms until they learn to behave. An unenumerated right: The Right to Education for Kids Who Behave.
- College costs: Why should a private university education cost more than a hardworking Capybara earns - every year? Is it all going to the students? No. These costs are getting out of control. Capybaras likes carrots but he knows how to use the stick. He'll reduce research grants to colleges that don't get their costs under control - with slower increases than inflation.
Capybaras for Economic Honesty
- Pension underfunding: Capybaras knows the law - and the law lets companies underfund their pension plans. Baah. Capybaras won't allow these accounting gimmicks: let's close that gap until companies have fully funded the pensions they've promised.
- Social security: Capybaras hopes to become an old Capybara who is not forced to nibble on wilted grass. If that's to happen, let's fund social security now. In fact, over the next half century, we should overfund social security so that each generation of capybaras pays for itself, not the previous generation.
- Gross National Happiness: Capybaras supports the pursuit of health and happiness. To achieve a goal, you've got to measure it, so Capybaras will add Gross National Happiness and Gross National Health to our economic statistics. If Capybaras runs for reelection you'll see whether his policies made us happier, healthier and wealthier.
- Realistic Budget Projections: Capybaras despises budget shenanigans. He'll make it a crime to use scams like artificial 'sunset provisions' to spend past our debt limits.
- Universal healthcare: As all capybaras know, we pay for people's health care one way or the other - but when someone doesn't have coverage, the costs skyrocket. Capybaras proposes a basic universal healthcare plan, paid for through payroll deductions. Want your share to go toward a better but more expensive plan? No problem, as long as it covers everything the universal plan covers, and more. Healthy capybaras are happy capybaras!
- Capymandering: As your president, Capybaras wants legislation that makes districting fair and apolitical, to eliminate gerrymandering.
- Electoral College: One Capybara, one vote! Let's allocate votes proportionally within each state.
- Voting Shenanigans: As your President, Capybaras will make vote counting fair and consistent, and keep partisans from positions of election oversight. Capybaras will personally flog and neuter folks who intentionally interfere with the fairness of an election.
- A heads up from Capybaras: when you're online with the big search engines - especially Google and Gmail - you have no privacy. If you're not worried about this now, you will be, because Google keeps track of everything you've searched for, forever, and it might become subpoenable and public - even if your gardener sues you and challenges your character. Capybaras challenged his gardener's character, and believe me, it wasn't fun for anyone. In combination with your email and calendar, Big Brother is back. Capybaras will give Google a gentle slap on the hoof, and see to it that Google and its cohorts delete your search history - and all other private data - that's more than a month old.
- Factory farming: When Capybaras is president, abusers of animals will be shot. Even if they are animals themselves. We'll also ban veal and foie gras, and punish violators by locking them in narrow cages and force feeding them until they pop. Then we'll compost their remains to help grow luscious organic food.
- Organic food: Is that organic label for real or are they stretching the truth? Capybaras will put your mind at ease by setting stringent standards for organic labeling. We'll put violators in the foie gras cages.
- Who deserves the right to arm bears? Responsible bears. Most gun crimes are connected to just a few gun dealers, and we can't have that. Capybaras will put those gun dealers in the foie gras cages.
- Capybaras will also ban sales of semiautomatics, and make sure all guns are registered after a waiting period. Remember: an arm for an arm, a bear for a bear.